you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
