Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
