So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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