I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
a search helicopter?!
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
