I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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