So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize