i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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