proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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