a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
