Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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