That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
