Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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