and you said cock pushups were impossible
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
