we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
