i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
