Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
