when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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