If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
