i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
