God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
