I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
