rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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