Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
