I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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