what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
