Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Someone shattered a urinal.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
