Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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