No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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