I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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