Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
