I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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