Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
