I faked an abortion last night.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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