dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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