I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
