if you like me you must not know who I am
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
