my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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