it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No more Irish car bombs ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
