She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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