so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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