I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
