I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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