I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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