1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We're too hungover to prance.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
