Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
