Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
