Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
