Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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