What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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