I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my being single is dangerous.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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