insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
