Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
