Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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