When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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