I'm so fucking centered right now
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
