My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
