I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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