I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
