I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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