I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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