I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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