if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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